We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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