When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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