This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
