remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
