Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My ass is underappreciated
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
