I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
