have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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