i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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