Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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