Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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