he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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