I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
