Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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