Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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