as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
