You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i now understand why vodka
I need a beard to bite.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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