I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
