he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
