i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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