I smell stomach acid.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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