you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
