i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
