Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
