do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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