R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
