Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
