My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
