Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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