filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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