I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize