did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
