My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What a dumb baby whore.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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