why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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