So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
