we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
