Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you win again, gameday.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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