Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
