Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
