I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
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