Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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