smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
