Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
