He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
