Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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