My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
