Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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