your parents love me but you hate me
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he thought i was a dude.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
