at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
