You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
