Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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