toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
