I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
