I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
