we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
