all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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