I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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