I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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