If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
