final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
