Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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