he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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