And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
