I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
