sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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