i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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