i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
