If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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