I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
