I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
