so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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