Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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