i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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