i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
